Friday, September 02, 2005

Friday Freakout – Lorna Dane Is A Hussy!

Thanks for the welcome Brian. As we talked about, it's totally time for a true fan of comics to be heard on this blog. Someone who knows what these characters are supposed to act like. Someone, like me. So here's my first column.

Ok, so when did Lorna Dane, aka Polaris, become such a total ho-bag? I mean, seriously folks. Lorna and Alex Summers, aka Havok, were one of the storybook couple of the X-Universe. But then along came the Harbinger of Suck, er, I mean Chuck Austen. He makes ol’ Havok get a total Florence Nightengale Syndrome going on for his totally mutaphobic nursemaid. So what does he have Lorna do? Why, jump right into the icy arms of Bobby Drake, aka Iceman. She doesn’t try to work out her wacky emotional problems on her own, it’s just whambamthankyoumaam. Granted, Alex standing her up at the altar was pretty beat, and it hurt her a whole lot, but still. Finding comfort in another dude’s arms? Slutty McSleepsaround.

What’s even worse, this penchant for sluttery is leaking across the universes as well. Over in Ultimate X-Men, Lorna Dana apparently used to go out with Scott Summers, aka Cyclops, before she started shacking up with Alex. That’s right folks, she’s dating her ex’s brother. She might as well change her name to Whorey McGangbang.

So, in conclusion, I would like the writers of X-Men and Ultimate X-Men to stop treating Lorna Dane like such a strumpet. She’s not the village bicycle guys. She doesn’t need to give everyone a ride. And on a totally unrelated note, what’s up with her costume? Can you say Gothy McAngst? You control magnetic waves woman, you’re not a freaking vampire.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Remember, Fanboy Skip is totally a real person. He is certainly not Sean Hutchinson making a joke. Certainly not. Nothing could be further from the truth.]


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was just telling my fiancee how much I have come to love this blog, and then I read this entry.

There's not much of a point, it's pretty snarky, it over-uses aa pretty hacnkeyed joke construct ("something-y Mc-something"), and I can't help but think it's somewhat mysoginistic and smallminded.

Granted, Chuck Austen is a terrible writer. There's something we agree on. Maybe we can somehow work from that to be friends again.

But to judge Polaris' relatively innoccuous actions more harshly than Havok's often more terrible transgressions is pretty wrong.

Of course, this could all just be a bad joke. Which is too bad, because, like I said, I have come to love this blog.

9/03/2005 1:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just read the previous post (I was reading top down).

The joke needs more to work. Lay it on thicker. It won't work right unless people get it, and you need to give them just enough to help them get it on their own without explaining the joke straight out.

So give me a little more. As it was, it was a little more believable than funny.

9/03/2005 1:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good job.

9/06/2005 12:59 AM  

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